So, completely not the same method of switching tenses as the first part. Which probably means I'll go back and edit the first part. If I stop being lazy.
MPREG. CRACKFIC. MANSEXING. OOC.
Jack absently lifts the mug to his mouth and takes a drink. His face freezes and his mouth hands open, coffee dribbling out before he raises a hand to his mouth and wipes it away. He swallows with a grimace and stomps out of the room.
Tosh seems fine with her tea, but Gwen and Owen are equally shocked and appalled by the contents of their coffee cups. Owen looks up at Jack in horror. "I think this is-"
He can't even bring himself to say it.
Ianto appears in the doorway, ready for the inevitable. "Sir?"
"Explain this." Jack holds the cup out in front of him.
"It's decaf, sir. The caffeine isn't good for the baby." Ianto explains patiently.
"Then why us, too?" Gwen asks. "I'm not pregnant. Owen - well, Owen?"
Owen snorts. "Not on your life."
"So, then? Why can't we have real coffee?"
Ianto gives them an apologetic look. "I was afraid if I left any in the building, he'd find it."
Around month five, Jack decides that maybe they should make sure everything is developing as it should.
Ianto departs one morning and returns a couple of hours later with an ultrasound machine. He gives the box to Owen, who looks in and then groans. "You can't expect me to-"
"Oh, but we do," Ianto grins, muted but none the less sadistic for it.
An hour later Jack is stretched out on one of the medical beds. His shirt is off and his trousers are unbuttoned (mostly because he refuses to admit that he needs to go up another size, and elastic band or drawstring pants are strictly out of the question).
Gwen and Tosh stand off to the side, tittering. Ianto tried to insist that they find other things to do, but Jack let them stay. He was in such good spirits that he even let Gwen get out the camera. "One for the baby book," she said, barely able to keep a straight face through it.
As soon as the image flickers onto the screen, Ianto forgets to be annoyed at the camera's flash. He steps forward, his hand on Jack's shoulder as they both stare at the monitor.
"There we go," Owen says, slightly taken aback himself. "It's really a baby in there."
"What did you think, I was really just letting myself go?" Jack glances at him, laughing. He looks at Ianto and then reaches up to cover Ianto's hand with his own. He whispers in a voice low and meant only for Ianto. "There she is. That's our girl."
There also comes a point where they have to sit Owen down and explain to him the technical aspects of the birthing process. He seems perplexed enough by the idea of a man giving birth, but when that is coupled with the fact that he's to perform a surgical procedure on a man whose body will have begun to heal in the time it takes Owen to switch out instruments, he begins to look a little intimidated.
"You- you can't be serious." Owen says, his mouth twisting in a desperate line. "Isn't there someone with experience? Anyone? For fuck's sake."
He looks imploringly at first Jack, then Ianto. They both stare back at him with eerily similar expressions.
There is a small storage room just down from Jack's that Ianto starts to clean out. Surprisingly, Jack has little to do with the process. He's worried about gnomes or maybe it's Ganums or something, Ianto hasn't bothered to find out. He's got too much to do already, like assembling the crib (with Tosh and Owen's help) and the diaper changing table and wallpapering the room. It's a plain green, nothing frilly or fancy, but it feels more suited for a baby's room than the stark metal of the rest of the building. After some contemplation, he buys a small square of carpet for the floor, too.
It's Gwen's idea for the rocking chair, but it becomes Ianto's favorite part of the room. It sits nicely in a corner that is too large to remain empty but too small to fit anything else.
It's almost completely finished when Jack finally sees it. Ianto is putting the finishing touches on a wall shelf when he hears Jack walk in.
Ianto turns around, surprised to find himself flustered. "Do you like it? "
"You can't." Ianto says firmly.
All four people in the room turn to stare at him. Their expressions vary. Gwen is shocked, Owen is amused, Tosh is impressed. Jack is...
Angry. Or maybe turned on. Sometimes even Ianto can't tell the difference.
"What do you mean, I can't?" Jack stalks toward him.
Ianto brings himself up to his full height and stands his ground. "I don't want you going. It's a dangerous field mission. It could endanger the baby. We have no way of knowing if she will inherit your ability to... your penchant for quick recovery time."
With a single glance, Jack dismissed Tosh, Gwen, and Owen.
He turns back to Ianto. They have a silent staring match.
Jack breaks it first, with a smile and a shrug. "Okay, then. I won't go."
"You will?" Ianto blinks, taken aback.
"You're right. We don't know if she'll be like me, or not. I didn't think of that." He puts his hands on Ianto's face, cupping his cheeks. "And that's what I need you here for, to remind me of things like that."
Ianto hands Jack a slip of paper with a single thing written on it:
Jack studies it, and then looks up. "You're sure?"
"Rose Eirian," Jack says, rolls the name around in his mouth, and then confirms it with a smile. He folds the peice of paper up and tucks it into his pocket. "Rose Eirian. It's good. I like it."
Any shred of modesty Jack may have once had is gone. He walks around the hub in boxer shorts and a starched white oxford shirt. For the first few days, they all stared but now they've gotten used to it. It's just another bit of the scenery - like Ianto with his coffee pot or Myfanwy flapping her giant wings above them all.
"Ianto?" Jack shouts. Most days he stays in his office. He wants the company, but complains that going up and down the stairs is hard. The rift has taken no notice of his predicament and continues to spit out all sorts of nasty things that need to be dealt with. Jack may be taking a break from the hands-on side of things, but there is still no doubt that he is in charge.
"Yes?" Ianto shows up in the doorway almost instantly.
Jack looks down at his lap. "It's happening again."
Ianto fights back a grin. Jack's biggest complaint is still his constant state of arousal. He spins his chair around so that he's sideways and Ianto can see that his boxers tented.
"I tried taking care of it myself, but..." Jack sighs. "Will you?"
"Jack," Ianto says gently. He steps forward, between Jack's legs, and leans down to kiss him. The kiss is long and the sweet edge fades into something more fiery. Ianto is loathe to admit it out loud, but Jack this way turns him on.
Jack is sensitive to every touch and every word now, even more so than before. It's easy to bring him off, but to keep the need at bay Ianto's learned that it has to be a slow build up. He runs his hands up and down Jack's chest, licks and kisses and bites at his tender nipples, tugs at the hair below Jack's belly button with his teeth and then soothes it back down with a lick.
By the time he gets to Jack's cock, it's poking up through the gap in his boxers. The head is tight and slick and hot when he licks it, the blood surging through Jack's body and making it twitch against Ianto's tongue.
He keeps a hand wrapped around the base, cutting off Jack's orgasm at least half a dozen times until Jack is sweating and cursing, pulling on Ianto's hair and calling him names.
When he finally lets Jack have his release, it lasts so long that Ianto wonders if it'll ever stop. He swallows and sits up, wiping his mouth. Jack smiles and gasps for breath. His face bright red. His hair sticks to his sweaty forehead in an endearingly messy way.
"Better?" Ianto asks, stroking up and down Jack's bare calves.
"I need a nap. Or a shower." Jack says, standing up on shaky legs. "God, I can't believe you did this to me."
Ianto holds him by the shoulders, steadying him.
Ianto knows something is up when Owen and Jack spent an hour together in Jack's office with the door closed. He paces nervously, and then asks Gwen and Tosh if they know anything about what's going on.
"Ianto?" Jack finally says. "Grab your coat."
"Are we going somewhere?" Ianto says, looking up at them perplexed. "Is something wrong?"
"Nope," Jack grins. "But Owen's gonna take you out."
Ianto looks at Owen, who doesn't seem quite sure of anything, and then sighs and goes up the stairs so he doesn't have to yell this entire conversation. "Why is Owen going to take me out?"
"Because," Jack puts his palms flat on Ianto's chest and leans forward, kissing him soundly on the mouth. "You need to relax. I'm the one giving birth in a matter of weeks, but you're the one that can't stop worrying. So Owen's gonna take you out, get you drunk. Just make sure you behave yourself. Kiddo's gonna stay an only child, okay?"
He winks, ignoring Ianto's pained expression.
Owen is an obnoxious drunk. This isn't a revelation; Ianto's been out with him before, when they'd go as a group. Not since Gwen came, but before that - it was something that Suzie encouraged, when Suzie was still Suzie and not yet so affected by the glove.
Ianto is a quiet drunk. When he speaks, it is perhaps more bold and silly than he'd normally allow himself to be, but he doesn't speak often. Owen grows frustrated quickly, and Ianto can see his eyes skimming the room to see if there's anyone that draws his attention.
Ianto wonders how hard it is for Owen to pull without the pheromone spray. He probably relies on his right hand a good deal more than he used to.
Ianto snickers into his cup.
"What are you laughing at?" Owen shoots him a curious look.
Ianto can barely say it with a straight face: "Masturbation."
Owen groans and Ianto can't contain himself anymore. He crosses his arms on the bar and presses his head down, his body shaking with laughter. He's well and truly drunk now, but so is Owen so after a few minutes, Owen starts to laugh, too.
"What's he like, then?" Owen asks.
Ianto, who'd been trying to think of clever ways to escape and go home, was startled and just drunk enough to show it. "What?"
"Jack. What's he like, you know? Good shag, I bet." Owen's eyes are closed as if he's contemplating, or fantasizing.
Ianto's fist clenches.
Owen is oblivious, grinning at the pictures in his head. "He's got them long hands, yeah? Bet those are nice. You gettin' it regular still, since he got pregnant? How does that work, do you- or does he-"
The fist began to tighten and rise.
As luck seemed to be on Owen's side (in the form of a pretty bird asking him to dance) he was spared the hit and Ianto was spared the conversation. They leave shortly after, Owen with his pull and Ianto by himself.
Jack is sitting in bed reading when Ianto gets in. He's naked and when he hears Ianto entering, he lays the book open and face down on his stomach. "Did you have fun?"
Ianto frowns and falls onto the bed beside Jack, turning his face into Jack's shoulder and pressing while he shook his head.
Jack laughs and cups the back of Ianto's head, dragging him up for a kiss.
"Ah, sweet liquor," Jack licks his lips. "It wasn't that bad, was it?"
Ianto nods and tries to look as though he's just been through an ordeal and needs to be cuddled a bit. The look has to suffice, since no amount of alcohol will make him drunk enough to ask for a snuggle, especially when he doesn't even have the post-coital excuse.
"Do you think we should get hitched?" Jack says, walking down the stairs. "Are we gonna screw the kid up by not making it legit?"
"What- I-" Ianto goes pale.
"Jack, that's a wonderful idea!" Gwen jumps up. "You'll let me be a bridesmaid, won't you? Oh, and Owen can be best man!"
"I can perform the ceremony!" Tosh says, from across the room. "I have one of those certificates you can get on the internet that lets you perform marriage ceremonies."
"Yeah!" Jack hops onto the table.
"Jack-" Ianto feels a headache coming on quickly.
"We can-" Owen starts to say something, but stops when his voice goes funny. Ianto hardly notices, but Jack groans.
"Oh, come on, Owen!"
Owen's convulsing with laughter. I'm sorry, I couldn't do it- look at his face!" He points to Ianto. "That's bloody priceless right there. He really thought- Tosh, gonna do the ceremony - that was fantastic."
"No," Jack says. "It would have been fantastic if you'd been able to keep it going. I was about to show him what outfits I wanted us to wear!" He pulls a Modern Bride clipping out of his pocket.
Ianto notices that Gwen and Tosh are laughing now, too, and his horror is replaced with the urge to find the nearest sharp object and inflict pain.
Jack complains of being restless, so they make another trip out to Ianto's flat.
"Owen says the increased sex drive may be a sign." Ianto says, unlocking the door and letting them in.
"Sign of what?" Jack licks around his ice cream cone, only half listening to Ianto.
"That the wee one is ready to join us," Ianto throws the door open with a smile.
Jack looks down at his swollen stomach and grinned. "Cross your fingers." He crunches the last bite of ice cream cone and kicks the door shut, grabbing Ianto. "I think you need to fuck me."
Ianto raises an eyebrow in amuse surprise. "What don't I just-"
Jack shakes his head. "Fuck me."
"But what about..." Ianto looks down between them. It's somewhat ridiculous - Jack is wearing nothing but track pants beneath his oversized, incredibly swishy coat and his erection pokes out beneath his pregnant belly. "The baby."
"What about it?"
"What if..." Ianto looks uncomfortable.
"What?" Jack starts kissing Ianto's neck.
"Idon'twanttohurther." Ianto gasps.
Jack pulls back. "Hurt her? Ianto, come on. Despite the rumors, I haven't turned into a woman. Where I want you to put that big cock of yours is definitely not where the baby is."
Ianto turns red. "But-"
"But nothing." Jack reaches into his pocket and pulls out lube. "Get naked and fuck me."
Five hours and two orgasms later, Jack goes into labor.